I have no pictures, because I refused to take them of her looking like she did, maybe in the future I'll regret that, but at the time I just couldn't bare it! I remember very little. I'm sure if was from pure exhaustion and shock!
I remember pulling in to the parking lot, rushing into the building, and finding the NICU. We were met by doctors that told us they had done a spinal tap, took blood work, and now we have to wait. They also said that Lynlee was having "seizure activity" in the helicopter and they had gave her medicine for it. We got to go see her. She was just laying there, so helpless.
The next morning we went and she had not got worse overnight, which was a good sign. I kept asking why she wasn't waking up, but never got an answer? Maybe it was from her seizure medicine they said. They done an EEG and saw "seizure activity" on it. The whole day went so fast. I remember Ryan's parents leaving to go home, and my dad and step-mom coming. My BFF Erica was there all day. Finally that evening my dad had convinced us to go grab something to eat and they would head home. At dinner my phone rang. It was Ruby. Lynlee's ammonia level came back at an extremely high number and they wanted her to by lifted to Pittsburgh.
We ran out, got back to the hospital right away. They put us in a conference room where they told us Lynlee's ammonia level was 1100, and normal was under 80. I sat there and can't remember anything else they said. I was in shock! I wasn't taking in anything, just hearing words. She would fly out in 30 minutes and we could go see her before she left.
Ryan, dad, and myself went back. Lynlee had been put on a ventilator, and all I could do was wipe the slobber from her lips. I bent down and told her how strong she was, and we were going to get through this! The doctor came in, and I asked if she was going to be okay. I was begging for something to hold onto. She looked me in the eye and said "No, she's not going to be okay. I doubt she makes the trip there. When she gets there she will go on hemodialysis and babies NEVER survive that. And if by chance she survives those two she will not be able to manage the disorder." What do you say? What do you do when every once of hope just got taken away from you?
The flight team came in. Jerome and Donna. I still remember them walking through the door (and I still see them some when we are in Pittsburgh) They called Pittsburgh, and handed me the phone. "Your daughter is very sick, do you understand that?" That was the first words I heard. And then I gave permission for them to do everything they had to do. I don't remember hearing anything they said just saying yes, please save her life!
We hadn't showered or slept in days. We ran to Ryan's brothers to take a quick shower and get our head together before making the trip. I stood in the shower and prayed and prayed and prayed. That was the first time I had prayed in a long time. As tears ran down my cheeks and water over my head I asked God to please save my daughter. And I promised I would be a better person, I would change my ways, if he would just take care of her!
We got ready and headed for Pittsburgh chasing another helicopter!
Oh Stacy, it is as if your story is exactly ours. Same hospital, same complete lack of faith that the baby would survive. I remember looking at the lifeflight nurse and asking "Is there a chance that he will die?" and she coldly said to me "It is likely that he will" and my world, my God, it shattered into a million pieces. I ran out of that place, down the hall with the colored arrows and lines to guide you out( remember those?) and found myself heaped on the floor near the exit door of the NICU..and a nurse came up to me, not one from the flight, and wrapped me so tightly in her arms. She told me we WILL get through this, no matter the outcome, to have FAITH.
ReplyDeleteI went home and begged my sister and mother in law, that if Corrigan didnt make it, to PLEASE take everything from the house that was his before I got home. We stood in my kitchen,arms linked around bodies and snotting all over each other as we sobbed...and God was THERE.
All things for a reason, for sure.
I am so blessed to know you Stacy...your are a strong mama and it is my honor to be your friend. We will get through this together!
Love
Mindy
Oh yes Mindy, I remember those lines oh to well. And the scrubbing you have too do. If I never see that place again it will be too soon. Do you know that everytime we drive by that place to go on to Pittsburgh I want to stop. I want to take Lynlee in there, find that doctor and say look!! Look at my daughter! She made it, she proved you wrong!
ReplyDeleteBut I know I don't have to prove anything to them. We are the blessed ones, and the ones with all the faith.
I thank God every night for our UCD babies, but always thank him for letting me find you. For giving me that faith I needed. I'm hoping my blog might someday help someone the way you helped me!
Stacy